Professional Football Stone Cold Lead Pipe Locks of the Century 2013: Week 1

Here are some NFL picks.  I am choosing to abstain due to the small spreads, every week doesn't really count because a Wild Card team can win the Super Bowl, and with the Browns sucking and my fantasy football team sucking, and by being hungover on Sundays, there are reasons why teams are favored but really, any game is a coin flip and every game comes down to a field goal, so I stay the hell away from NFL spreads unless a 6pt teaser on the afternoon games are available.  ANYWAY...I've been told placing wagers on the NFL teams that are playing each other is becoming quite popular so here you go...

By Robert Perryman (@iamnotajerk)

Welcome all to the first edition of ______________. Dupes is enough of a mensch to post these NFL picks that are sure to get you all kneecapped, divorced, or both when you follow my advice. The format for these postings will be as such: I will place my pick in bold along with the point spread for the game, followed by smart-ass comments backing up my not so smart-ass picks. The first week of the year is usually a crapshoot since there is so much parity in the pro game, but that's never stopped us before. Enjoy.

Baltimore +9 @ Denver; Thursday 8:30, NBC: This line was at 9 earlier in the week when I used it in Straight Ca$h Homey 2013 Week 2. It has since dropped to 7.5, but no matter. I would take Baltimore anyway. Without going too far into it, not enough respect afforded the defending super bowl champs.

New England -10 @ Buffalo; Sunday 1:00, CBS: I can't fathom any reason anyone would want to place their money on a rookie quarterback who just found out this week he would be healthy enough to start his first pro game ever and a Buffalo defense that hasn't stopped Tom Brady since Lawyer Milloy was still in the secondary.

Tennessee +7 @ Pittsburgh: Sunday 1:00, CBS: Pittsburgh is gonna struggle to score points this year, while Tennessee is still quarterbacked by Jake Locker. When all fails, take CJ2K and the points.

Cincinnati +3 @ Chicago: Sunday 1:00, CBS: I'm actually high on the Bengals this year and Chicago will be adjusting to a new coach. I swear there are some home favorites I like this week. Somewhere.

Cleveland -1 vs. Miami: Sunday 1:00, CBS: Here's one!! (This is a homer pick, don't listen to me). Miami lost their best lineman and best offensive player this offseason. (Seriously, don't listen to me). Plus the corrupt new owner actually cares about winning football games (Cleveland is banged up and have secondary issues, for the love of God, take the 'Phins). GIMME BELIEVELAND!!!!

Detroit -5.5 vs. Minnesota: Sunday 1:00, FOX: Letting you know now, this is probably a reach. I don't think these two teams are very far apart as a whole and Minnesota made moves to shore up the receiving corps....but didn't shore up the guy throwing them the ball. Good luck this year, AD.

Indy -10 vs. Oakland: Sunday 1:00, CBS: This will be my favorite bad game of the week. I can't wait to see TP2.com run for his life all around Lucas Oil and throwing punts to whoever the hell is playing receiver for them. Oakland will be terrible this year, but I will watch every chance I get.

New Orleans -3 vs. Atlanta: Sunday 1:00, FOX: Always fun when these cities get together. Cash Money/No Limit vs. Dungeon Family/Grand Hustle/Brick Squad. Gumbo and crawfish vs. Chicken and waffles and Krispy Kremes. Mardi Gras vs. Freaknik. These teams aren't very different, either. They'll score a lot of points and not play defense well. New Orleans is out to prove they were wronged last year. Take the bunch of angry Cajuns creating a real home field advantage.

Tampa Bay -3 @ NY Jets: Sunday 1:00, FOX: I would love to know how the Jets plan to score points this year. Josh Freeman, you can handle this one, I swear.

Carolina +3.5 vs. Seattle: Sunday 1:00, FOX: This feels like Carolina coming back from down double digits to cover in the 4th. Then Cam gets upset when they lose the game and everyone acts like he's a bad leader.

Kansas City -4 @ Jacksonville: Sunday 1:00, CBS: I don't trust Alex Smith without Harbaugh to guide him and Andy Reid will inevitably stop giving the ball to Jamaal Charles. But this is Jacksonville, the only team possibly worse than Oakland. #FreeMJD.

Arizona +4.5 @ St Louis: Sunday 4:25, FOX: This game will be terrible. The Rams are terrible, the Cardinals will likely be terrible. However, one of these terrible teams has Larry Fitzgerald and a minimally competent quarterback that can force him the ball in double coverage. I'll take those points.

Green Bay +4.5 @ San Francisco: Sunday 4:25, FOX: Thankfully the entire country outside of STL and Phoenix are scheduled to watch this game. I have to think that Green Bay worked on defending the read option a hell of a lot this offseason since SF stomped a mudhole in them in the playoffs (wattup Jim Ross). That wont matter in this game as much as the fact that Vernon Davis may play wideout since they have so many injuries. Gimme tha Gawd QB

Dallas -3 vs. NY Giants: Sunday 8:30, NBC: They can't keep losing at home to the Giants. They just can't.

Washington -3.5 vs. Philly, Monday 6:55, ESPN: Found out today that Pat Shurmur somehow got hired as Philly's OC by the guy who almost replaced him from the last job he got fired from. Uptempo offense running more of Pat Shurmur's plays than ever before? I'm good.

San Diego +3.5 vs. Houston, Monday 10:15, ESPN: Norv Turner is no longer making the big decisions in San Diego. That's enough reason they will keep this close before losing.